Thoughts. Processing the "journey" this far.

Jeepers, a long time between posts, then two in one day!

Anyhow, had a quiet first day to the round thanks to a sick girl child.  Thankfully she is my sleeper, so her method of dealing with any sickness is to sleep it off. 

This gave me the morning to really contemplate about this weight loss business, and more than you ever do bargain for when you make that new years resolution to "lose weight"

217 days ago I registered my interest in 12WBT, and 210 days ago, I bit the bullet and signed up.  As I have said in my previous post, in that time I've lost 42 kilos (about 92 1/2 pounds) and 180cm (70 inches) shed from my body.  Wow - it is huge.  I'm not denying that.

But ...

It is never, ever going to stay off successfully unless I work through why I got myself to the morbidly obese stage I did - nor is it healthy to not address it.

Quite frankly, I was obese because I was depressed.  Never diagnosed (well besides Dr Google) but I have NO doubt as to what it was.  I had/have all the symptoms.  Eating made the dullness - I don't know - go?  I couldn't verbalise how I felt - I couldn't explain it.  I didn't want to upset others, so I thought I could work through it and all would be right in the world you know ... 

Yup, not the best way to work through depression.  In fact, even now I have days where I just feel worthless.  Thankfully nowadays they are few and far between, and I have trustworthy 3rd parties that are paid to get it :P 

Perception is another huge one.  Fat people are percieved differently - look at social media, at media in general.  That guilt (and mostly perceived guilt) didn't help the good old depressive moments.

I also felt lesser for giving up my career to become a full time mum.  Ah, the good old WOHM/WAHM/SAHM debate.  I have no regrets for doing it looking back - but that first couple of years, when we truly struggled - I did regret it.

But that is all excuses.  Excuses that are incredibly valid - but still something that needs to be worked through.  My method of working through them was the problem.  Miss "I can do it without medication" was medicating - with food.  Looking back - even to last year, it is so obvious.  So obvious.  But, until I was ready, I couldn't see it.

Now, lets add to this "journey"

I moved to the opposite end of the state when the boy children were 8 weeks old (and the girl child just 2).  Boy 1 and 2 (which we didn't know at the time) had ear problems - which meant essentially they found sleep painful.  At almost 12 months, we had a 3 week block in sleep school - and yes, still didn't sleep.  Countless grommets, adenoids x 2 each, plus removal of tonsils and uvula for boy 2 finally lead to consistent sleep throughs at 7 and 8.    Ah yes, food was my saviour at that time.  It kept me awake so I could cope.

As you can see, I self medicate with food.  This 210 days has taught me that this is common (yay, that made my day learning I wasn't the only one!), that by owning each piece of food that goes into your mouth, your eyes are opened about how much food you actually consume.

Ironically a lot of days, I wasn't eating enough - flinging my body into starvation mode.  I'd then eat like a maniac - meaning that poor body of mine had no idea what the hell was happening.  Added to being morbidly obese, the thought of exercise was horrifying.

I remember puffing walking up steps - walking longer than a km, gosh - anything.  I'd avoid anything to do with exercise except my beloved hockey.  Each game would push me over for days though - leaving me short tempered and craving food.  Argh!  LOL

What I have learned thus far.

- Clean eating tastes amazing.  You feel good.
- I do have hunger pains.  I honestly can not remember what they were like before.
- That making a bad choice is not the end of the world.  Own it and move on.  Beating yourself up - achieves nothing other than guaranteeing another bad choice

- Exercise hurts - but it is an okay hurt.  Pushing yourself to your limit, not other peoples - amazing.
- I adore weights - and that is the direction I can see myself going.  There is only so much cardio I can do, and it doesn't interest me.  Weights feels amazing, it feels right, and I love feeling stronger.

Psychologically, about 3 years ago, I was affected badly by someone who spread lies.  The new me would attempt not to GAF about it all (and most likely still be affected :P ).  However, it wasn't the new me, it was me at one of my lowest moments.  It lead to a lot of turmoil.  But, I've risen from this.  In fact, the barbs have helped move me along when JFDI doesn't work.  The lies unravel, and the real me is emerging.  I won't lie - I still am affected at times by the aftermath.  But that is my perception and something I have to work through.

One day ...

And although that moment in time, and from then on had people decide they could no longer acknowledge me (least they were honest - so much better than back stabbing), through this time some very special friends emerged.  Some rocks from the past remained, and I thank them all.  Do any of them "get it all".  No, I still have walls up, and can't say they will ever go down.  But they were there, they helped, and I will never forget it. 

To be blunt, my major catalyst was probably something insignificant compared to most people.  And it is a blip - there is so much more I could have lost.  I know this. I accept this.  But it doesn't mean it isn't important - to me. 

Thanks for reading my blurt out xx